My Life Online

Just Say no and Grow a Backbone

Martin — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 03:49:55 +0000

I need to learn how to stand up for myself. I just don’t know how. I’m used to being walked all over, it’s nothing really new. I wish that I could just be a better me. I am not always the best listener, but I also believe in what I think. Yet again, those thoughts get shut down quite fast. What if I don’t believe in anything anymore? I’m always wrong. What is there to believe?

Vent

Martin — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 04:03:06 +0000

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what I feel. I have so many emotions in me and I feel like I am just going to explode one day. To put it in easy words, I am a failure. I am selfish and I am just a screw up. I do nothing but harm. If only people could see my true side, I am not the seemingly sweet and kind person that people see. I am tired of it. I am tired of me. I don’t know who I am or what I’m even doing. I have no high goals for a future. All I do is hurt everybody around me. What am I working hard for? My arm hurts, my back always hurts, my legs are always tired, and my head always feels dizzy. For what? I can do the easiest thing and make money in various ways. I don’t respect myself at all. I feel like I am ugly but I know that I am not. I wish I was thin.

Only You

Martin — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 09:19:54 +0000

Can make me feel the way that I feel.

Can give me the reassurance that I need.

You understand so much.

Give me all that you can.

Have the kindest heart.

Fall asleep next to me.

Have my unconditional love.

Know where I like to get touched.

It’s you, only you. The only one.

Two Sided Tape

Martin — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 22:51:53 +0000

Keeps us together
Joined by a tight bond.
we’re stuck and can’t get out
Keep that seal tight
Burn all the blindfolds
and never question things.
the world can’t revolve around “what if” questions
The future is so close, yet so far.
Where is that damn ocarina?
the things I would give to go back in time.
God, please give me that power
remove that mask of blindness I had on and burn it

All but One

Martin — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 12:45:44 +0000

I’d do anything to just go back
and stop myself from being that person
The one I never wanted to be
I wanted to be the one to be with you until the end
I guess that we will just never see each other again
The things I would give to just be able to be with you one more time
This is nothing but my fault.
And I deserve everything that I’ve done to myself.
You’re now a permanent reminder of something good I’ve had
And will never get back.
It seems like you gave me everything back.
All but one thing, one thing that you seem to cherish so much.
I hope you keep it forever and have a special place in your heart.
Even if I’m not the one who you will love forever.
I don’t want to be strangers.
It’s all my fault. I sometimes wish I could disappear
Undo all the damage I’ve done.
You don’t deserve it.

River

Martin — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 17:08:25 +0000

Gentle river of scarlett color
Flows down my arm
Forever a memory now

Wishing it was

Martin — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 03:19:02 +0000

Pale, white skin

Light, brown hair

Big, green eyes

Skinny body

Everything he has. I wish I had it.

I know everybody always tells me “What is the point of wishing for something you will never have?” I can dream. I wish I had all that he has. It’s not for selfish reasons. It is for THOSE reasons that I wish I had all that. Maybe I would feel beautiful for once. Maybe I would feel like your golden prize, the thing you fought for and thought so much about. I will never know what it would feel like to be him. I understand, he is cool, confident, good looking, perfect. Maybe that’s what it is. I want to feel like him. I want to be him.

I’ll Never Find my Way Back Home

Martin — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 06:15:18 +0000

Don’t let it fade.

The thing we both share.

It is a form of love, one that can’t exceed a friendship.

One that we both mutually created.

Without it, I will never find my way.

Without you, my life will always seem incomplete.

You showed me that I could love in ways that I never knew.

So please, just don’t leave me there in the dark.

You were always the light that guided me.

And I will always follow, and I will trust that you will properly lead me.

Don’t let the fog separate us.

When we meet again, I know that you will be there for me.

But there’s Just One of Me

Martin — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 04:47:03 +0000

If I can take the form of that other person, I would.

Not so that you can love me, bu so you can love me as much.

I will show you what I can do, what I’m capable of.

And maybe, just maybe, you will see it.

Let it not be my face, but the one of somebody else.

Maybe then, will I experience it.

And learn what it always was all about.

Stitches

Martin — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 07:17:33 +0000

Your name just sits on my torn up heart.
It acts as permanent stitches that will always mend it.
They will always make me better, even though they are going to hurt sometimes.
The pain is worth it because in the end, I will get better.
All that I need now is some unbreakable thread to make those stitches stay forever.
But at last, the thread had always been there but it always belonged to you.
Now, let your name become a permanent scar.
It will be a reminder of hope.
A lovely reminder of the great thing I still have: a heart made to love.